I'm feeling mentally grumpy. I feel better physically today than I did last night when I was on the verge of going to the hospital. Tonight, however, my reoccurring toothache flared and this mixed with a tired Dylan, a cranky Kate, an unsuccessful attempt at setting up Internet for my mother, as well as my computer deciding to shut itself down mid-file transfer sort of all ganged up on me and now I'm sulking. Like I really need a fucking toothache right now.
I was out all day so I only ate two apples and came home to have a whole bunch of iodine-free bread dipped in oil and basaltic vinegar. I'm hungry but I'm hypothyroid so I'm feeling like eating isn't as important as pitying myself as I soak in this hot bath.
I wrote to my friend with bone cancer and told her I felt crappy and that I felt even more crappy for feeling crappy when I think of what she is going through. After I typed these sentences I felt like a total dick for complaining about my low calcium symptoms and toothache:
"What is the radiation like? And for fuck's sake what is happening with your protruding screw in your back?"
But this friend knows best what going through cancer and what feeling like you've got no one who understands you feels like and I feel a hundred times better every time I am able to catch up with her. I used the word 'feel' three times in that last sentence.
I am feeling.
I felt mentally great for most of the day. I spent time with or spoke to my father, father-in-law, stepmother, mother, and sister today and drove home from these visits in the rain blasting James Taylor's Copperline, Richard Shindell's Waiting for the Storm, ABB's Soulshine and the like as the kids slept in the back seat. I smiled huge as I sang and felt as if the rain cleansed my soul and my spirit as I drove.
I thought, "Well this is hard. I feel sick. But I will live."
It's amazing what thyroid hormone withdrawal and starving will do to a person. I am on a constant acid trip these past few days feeling as if my mind is flying through a Windows 98 space screensaver. I don't feel coherent.
Maybe I'll try eating something. Some jellybeans, too, to pretend I can eat whatever I'd like.