Today was harder. I woke up with a headache and still have one thirteen hours later. I'm not sure whether my body is reacting to food withdrawals or because I haven't taken my thyroid hormone since Saturday morning.
I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit. This weekend I forgot to let our dog Sam in from the backyard and we went grocery shopping for two hours before coming home to discover my mistake. Then I paid for something and left it on the self checkout tray. Today I forgot my phone at home and took the kids to Home Depot for a tiny paint sample and made it halfway home before discovering I had left the paint sample in the carriage. I'm not feeling well. But, life goes on.
I've got to stay strong for my kiddos.
At night, though, when both kids are asleep I allow myself to break down physically and turn into a blob. And then Sean takes care of me and reassures me that I am not going to die when I tell him I feel like I will. My head is throbbing so hard. My heart is pounding but feels like it is barely beating. I can't see straight. I'm a bit bummed that my doctor chose to have me go through withdrawal rather than give me shots that will not make me feel so cruddy. This is not fun. But man. Three more weeks and hopefully the worst of the cancer will be over. Please, God, let it be over.
Today I exchanged emails with a family member of mine and without going into detail I want to tell her that what she did for me today means so much. An angel in the midst of all of this crap I'm going through. I feel very loved and thankful.
I am also glad that my best friend Sarah is here from England. We spent the day loving up on our babies and laughing together: singing Loch Lomond in the kitchen as the microwave droned the hum of a bagpipe, baby-wearing our girls and taking pictures, changing diapers simultaneously on the floor.
Sarah and I talk daily and her move to England a year and a half ago hasn't stopped us from being "us", it just means we don't get to see each other often these days. I mentioned to her how strange it felt to have her here because we didn't need to catch up on our lives, we just need to hug each other again. To sit and do nothing together. To hold our best friend's babies.
She ate my fruit salad breakfast with me and smiled through our kind of gross corn tacos as we sat with our daughters.
As crappy as I feel today, I feel incredibly blessed and optimistic.