Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Revisiting Hallelujah

On an evening last winter, while I was pregnant with Kate, I cuddled up on the couch with my laptop and recorded this song. I wasn't at a great place mentally. We had been invited to spend the evening with family and friends and I had sent Sean and Dylan without me because I wasn't feeling well and didn't have the energy to sit through two hour-long car trips. I was struggling through my cancer journey and dealing with the harsh reality that once my little baby was born I was going to have to leave her for treatment, and my heart was heavy.

Leonard Cohen's Hallejuah has always been one of my most favorite songs. It's just so....grabbing. And raw. So I belted out this song and recorded it on Garageband and it quickly became this symbolic memory for me.

In keeping up with Katie's daily music time, I randomly started singing this song to her today and thought why not make a music video of how far we've come. Silly, really. So I sat her down, flipped on the camera and hit play on iTunes. I sang along with my old track and suddenly I felt this relief. Look at us! She's no longer in my belly and I am here with her, less one tumor, feeling like myself again. I don't have to leave her for treatment any time soon--my worries about whether or not she would have a great life without co-sleeping and breastfeeding have dissipated--and she is thriving.

Two of the dogs--Jasmine and Avery--wanted to star in this makeshift music video. They expect payment in the form of belly scratches. And Kate? Well she just loves music. Oh how I wish that I could rewind life and tell myself sitting there pregnant and weary on the couch that look! everything turns out just fine and this little healthy baby girl doesn't feel neglected because I was too sick to be the mother I was with her brother. Our bond is unbreakable and our love, infinite,