Sunday, April 7, 2013

It's midnight.

We had so many parties and celebrations this weekend that I got absolutely nothing done around here. Luckily my Pops loves to pick up Dylan during the week to take him shopping and to run errands and the like so that this mama can get some work done. Tuesday is supposed to be 72 so we've already made park plans with Grandpa. Wednesday my BFF flies in from England for three whole weeks! [I cannot wait!!!]

And this weekend I start my special low iodine diet and have to go off my thyroid medicine until after my radioiodine treatment. This means that I'm going to have nothing to control my hormones, nothing that I enjoy eating, and I am soon going to be stuck in a room by myself where everything is wrapped in plastic and there are signs warning everyone to stay away from me, while my husband stays at home with our babies as tries to manage the house alone. My heart already misses them. But what I really should be worried about is whether or not my cancer has spread. We don't know the extent of where the cancer is yet. My surgeon was optimistic since I have negative margins (meaning he removed the entire tumor and there should just be a dusting of cancer cells left) but my endocrinologist made no promises that it hasn't spread and told me that my cancer was aggressive.

Because of all of this cancer talk lately I have been talking to Sean about what might happen if I died. I'm a little scared I might, honestly, and not just because I have cancer but because the medicines I'm on are making my heart feel terrible and this makes me feel like a long life may not be in my cards. Already my heart is not great, I am constantly going tachycardic and skipping beats enough that my doctors love giving me constant EKGs and monitors are always alarming when I am hooked up to them. Add to this my temporary thyroid medication which causes heart palpitations and I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. It's as if I've had too much coffee after running a mile several times a day. So I talk to Sean about it because I'd rather have plans for the future should I not be in it than have him trying to raise our kids blind. Sean always says, "Well you'll be planting me first, so..." when I talk like this and then we sort of awkwardly laugh and then pretend like the thought of losing one another doesn't absolutely tear a whole in our hearts.

Cancer schmancer, I say. I'm sure ill be fine, it just weighs so damn heavy on my mind. A friend of mine is battling bone cancer and actually feels it, can push on her pelvis and feel pain from her bone cancer. When I talk with her I feel like my cancer is as innocent as a paper cut and feel like a complete asshole for feeling the way I do, for thinking about how sad I will be to be away from my babies for a week while she goes through weeks and months of hard chemo. This is all too much for us to handle, we're thirty and too young to deal with this shit.

I sound like a huge depresso but lately I've been anything but sad. I am tired, yes, but very blessed. These two kids and my soulmate make me so, so happy. I am constantly feeling lucky for my life. I feel like the richest women on Earth. The four of us cuddled on the couch together today and the love that beamed from my soul was blinding as I held my children close and my husband held all three of us. Even the thought of that moment makes me ear-to-ear grin.

Kathleen is sleeping so I suppose I should get some rest, too. What's that saying about babies? Sleep when they sleep? :)